Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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