my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
