I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
