So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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