Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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