A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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