i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
