Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
