quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
