every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
