She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
