hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize