i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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