My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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