So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
