just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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