The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
