I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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