Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
