how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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