True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
