if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
