while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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