May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
