Just fell off a train. Bad.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Someone came in the potted fern
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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