it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
