Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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