I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize