Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
