A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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