I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
