I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
