Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
