Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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