There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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