I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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