Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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