I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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