I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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