Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize