Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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