dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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