fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
