My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
