never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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