this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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