you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
