She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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