We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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