I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
