Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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