You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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