i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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