I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
