The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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