i drank out of a bidet.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your cock deserves a montage
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
