I can text with my tongue
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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